Recently a friend visiting from Australia, for two weeks, made the above comment about it “only being Cambodia”. Specifically it was in context of what are appropriate clothes for what establishments, with his argument being that very casual gym clothes would be completely suitable for the fine dining restaurants and upmarket night life that I was describing. Explaining to me confidently that the usual dress codes of ‘dressing up’ a little for a fancier Friday night drink, didn’t apply to Phnom Penh. More broadly it revealed his entire attitude of being in the country only a brief time and seeing it as not actually that real. I suspect that the concept of Friday drinks between work colleagues really didn’t make sense to him; why have Friday routines for a holiday destination is possibly one of the obstacles to the concept.
The location has been my home. My friends, expatriate and Cambodian, have been here. I have had all the ups and downs that most people have when living in their native countries; good jobs, yuck jobs, stressful days, extraordinary work related wins, soaring romances, devastating breakup, partying, quieter times, holidays and even the take away pizza and movie night. Friday night drinks are typical, if ya wanna join them.
I finally saw it illustrated through this friend’s attitude, that this existence of all those usual day to day experiences is hidden from people ‘back home’. Somehow the majority of my friends and family might be mistakenly thinking I am ‘treading water’ or hanging about, waiting to get back to ‘real life’. To think that I have put life on hold simply because I live in Cambodia? Well this perspective still doesn’t make much sense to me.
Yet I saw a glimpse of it through this friend’s comment.
Initially I saw the “only” comment as an insult. An insult that westerners and Cambodians in Phnom Penh alike, are not worth making an effort for. That we don’t actually truly exist. That his own etiquette or sense of ‘right’ or self worth or whatever you want to describe it as, need not apply while he was visiting Cambodia. That he was taking a vacation from the disposition to act in certain ways, as well as a vacation from a physical location. I chilled out fast enough and saw the comment as less insulting. He was correct, for him. For him, his wearing gym clothes everywhere was completely right. Equally though, it is right that those of us who live here, can see things differently to him.
Now, I could finally get a sense of why so many tourists do so many things that blatantly annoy, upset or insult locals. There is another whole story about the dreadful westerners who moved into the apartment above and who daily behaved so offensively and atrociously they had the police called on them; such people, I can only guess, must think “why should they care, it’s only Cambodia”.
Not that my friend is nasty or evil, or anything negative at all. This attitude was how he approached the holiday. What I finally realized, is that he is not the only one at all, to have this attitude. I just never had seen it.
As a wise friend reminded me, I can’t show someone in 10 days, why I fell in love with Cambodia! It’s not possible to cram years of experience into 10 days, now is it? To me this is my home. Well was my home. I am leaving this week to move to another country doing similar community development work. I still have no words to express the sadness, gratefulness and joy of thinking about goodbye. The joy is because it has been an amazing time. Thank goodness I had this time.
I know that in my new location I will be the newbie, with no local language and until I orient myself I will not even know where the typical Friday drinks are for expats, what the dress code is or even what/where/how is considered ‘usual’. Which are exactly the issues involved in all relocations. Yet I am secure in one thing, I certainly will be living life fully and not ever describing any location as “only”.
